I had a vision recently that was encouraging and heartbreaking at the same time. I saw myself lying on a beach, and the sight of me was frightful. I was sun burnt, skin blistered and cracked in places. My lips were dry and cracked and my eyes were bloodshot red. My body was badly bruised and broken and I was simply near the point of passing out from sheer physical discomfort and exhaustion. I could see behind me the tracks of my approach and they told me that I had clawed and crawled my way to where I was. I lay there at the water's edge, and the expression on my face was one of a man who was tired of fighting and ready to submit to whatever end was in store for him. My heart broke to see the real me, the me that had nothing to hide behind and no one to lean on. Because in the end, no matter how many loving and caring people you have around you, some journeys have to be journeyed alone.
Then a most curious thing happened in this vision. A chest washed ashore and planted itself in the sand next to me. It appeared seemingly out of nowhere and when I saw it, I immediately recognized it. This was the very same chest that Gabriel offered to me in my vision in March, when he told me about overabundance. I looked disbelievingly at the chest and scanned the area around to see if anyone were there. I was still alone on the beach, alone in the whole world, it seemed. I turned my attention back to the chest and mustered the effort to get close enough to open it. I opened the lid of the chest and out poured that same golden light as before.
It was more than I could have hoped for. After all that I'd been through to this point, I expected it to be empty or filled with sand, or maybe some cosmic and cryptic riddle that was supposed to teach me something. But instead, it showered me with that same golden, warm light I had seen before. And when it came over me, the me in this vision began to cry. This wasn't the reserved crying of someone who didn't want the people in the next room to hear him. I was bawling and sobbing like a baby, with complete disregard for pride and shame. The light filled me with a warmth that I didn't dare have the right to expect, and yet there it was. It was the simple light of all that had been promised me, along with an infinite flow of unconditional love. And so I cried and wailed as one who has been holding in pain and worry for a long, long time. I let it all release from me in a flood and as I did, I saw the wounds healing. My body began to repair itself and I started to feel that warmth replacing the pain and suffering throughout my being, penetrating much deeper than just the body, but also into the soul. I hadn't realized how much pain I'd truly endured until the pain was relieved, and the absence of that pain caused even more weeping.
The vision ended there and I found myself lying on the floor, prostrate. I had no urge to cry and I didn't feel as though any miraculous relief had come over me, but the metaphor of the vision was abundantly clear: You're hurt and tired and feeling alone, but you've made it to the end and your reward is close at hand. Just have patience for a short time more and all of this will be replaced with that golden light of God's love and overabundance.
I don't know what to hope for anymore. I don't even know if I have the energy left within me to hope at all. I've been running on fumes for so long that I've forgotten what it feels like to have a full tank of gas. I forgot what it feels like to have something solid under my feet and know that everything is going to be ok. I've been reminded that all will be fine and that's great, but it's hard to hear that there will be a shady place to rest when all you've seen and felt is the burning sun and sand for so long. I've come so very close to giving up a number of times. Like I said, no one gave me the illusion that this would be easy, but that doesn't make any of the hurt go away.
I feel as though I've done everything I was asked to do, followed every sign and walked all the paths. Now I'm down to crawling on my stomach across burning sand and still there's no relief. Even after having this vision of reprieve and relief, I still don't feel any different as I am now. I certainly hope that something is coming. I've nearly given up on the idea of some miraculous overabundance. Angelic vision or not, I don't feel any overabundance as I scramble to make ends meet and frantically try to understand just why I would be told one thing and presented another. I've regretted my decision to leave my job a number of times, but what good is that regret? It hasn't brought me any closer to anything resembling overabundance, just fills the empty spaces with pain and bitterness.
I wish I had something to go on. I sent a letter to the man who is supposed to be the source of my overabundance, according to source. I've had quite a few visions and affirmations regarding this person that are much too potent to be mere coincidence. Gabriel has been giving me guidance still, but there is still nothing happening. I feel like a gerbil on his wheel, pumping out effort and willpower but getting absolutely nowhere. I don't mean to sound so bitter, I'm trying to be more hopeful. I'm trying to repair my fractured faith.
I feel like I have so many gifts, so many things that come naturally to me that I could and should be using to help others, but they just sit on a shelf collecting dust. I want to be in the spirit all the time, I want to be out there helping people in whatever way I can. Instead, I feel as though I'm unable to do any of those things because of this situation that I put myself in. What a nice catch 22. I can remember what it was like to be happy and hopeful each and every day, and I badly wish to return there. I pray that my most recent vision will come into fruition soon, because I'm not sure how much longer I can hold out. I know I need to be strong, for my family that is and the little one I have coming on the way. I just pray for some guidance, something to help me see where it is I should be going.
